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6 Minute Management Course

Provided by Adi Gulati

6 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
 
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand but, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
 
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
 
It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
 
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
 
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
 
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
 
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S__t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
 
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE six MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Political Science for Dummies

My aunt forwarded this to me some time ago and it was so funny, I thought I’d share it with all of you 🙂


Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT


You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. 
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone. 
 

REPUBLICAN


You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So? 
 

SOCIALIST


You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. 
 

COMMUNIST


You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour. 
 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE


You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. 
 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE


You have two cows.
Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain. 
 

AMERICAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up. 
 

FRENCH CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good. 
 

JAPANESE CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school. 
 

GERMAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. 
 

ITALIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good. 
 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION


You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. 
 

TALIBAN CORPORATION


You have all the cows in  Afghanistan , which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the  US  government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. 
 

IRAQI CORPORATION


You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing. 
 


POLISH CORPORATION


You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. 
 

BELGIAN CORPORATION


You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy. 
 

FLORIDA CORPORATION


You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow. 
 

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION


You have millions of cows.
They make real   California  cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold  likes the ones with the big udders.


 
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Posted by on May 31, 2011 in Recreational

 

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